Bullying is not a topic you might think that I’d address on this blog. “It doesn’t fit in with SoulCollage® or creativity coaching, writing fiction, or tutoring kids,” you might say. I understand why you would think that’s the case, but I believe it does fit here. My offerings all have one common thread: to help you find your voice. And when you’re bullied, your voice is taken from you.
I know this from experience. I was bullied as a child, pretty regularly from first grade through sixth, and here and there after that. It took a serious toll on me, and sometimes I am reminded just how much it affected me. I was about six years old when I first started to wonder what was so terrible about me that people would be so awful to me, and a part of me has never stopped wondering, always afraid to believe that I really might be okay only to find out later that I was wrong.
No one has ever understood why it happened—I have theories but they’re as useful as tissue paper underwater, and probably about as substantial—but it did, and no one knew how to deal with it. They tried; they meant very well, but no one knew, and eventually I got tired of speaking up to no avail (and that was when their efforts didn’t actively make things worse). I’m sure everyone thought that meant it stopped; it only meant I stopped talking. And I stopped talking for a very long time. I lost my voice, and it’s taken me years to find it again. I know exactly how hard it is.
When I heard about 68-year-old Karen Klein of Greece, New York, and her horrifying, humiliating experience at the hands of a busload of children, my heart broke. My heart always breaks when I hear these stories, because I remember vividly how it feels to be on the receiving end. I can still see and hear it all, which is why I have no desire to watch this video (and am a bit appalled that it’s gone viral—I’m glad there’s outrage, but horrified that it was filmed and that people want to see it). Much as I feel for Ms. Klein, I hope that this incident will shine a light on a few common misconceptions illustrated by her case:
- Bullying is not just for kids. Kids are not the only victims. Kids are also not the only perpetrators. Bullying happens everywhere, in every segment of society, with victims and perps on both sides of every fence.
- The single most harmful thing you can say to someone who is being bullied is, “Ignore it and it will go away.” Karen Klein did her damnedest to ignore those kids and it very much did not go away. I tried to ignore the kids in my school and couldn’t figure out why it didn’t work. Now I understand: the correct statement is, “Ignore it and they will try harder.” I heard from so, so many people that if the bullies couldn’t get a reaction out of me, they would stop trying. But it’s just not so. If they don’t get a reaction one way, they’ll keep dreaming up new things to try until they eventually break you, up to and including the repugnant, abhorrent suggestion that Ms. Klein’s family are all dead because they couldn’t stand to be around her.
- “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I was literally told, as a small child in the late ’70s, that I should chant this trite little lie at everyone who tried to bother me. I have never understand why anyone thought it would work, on me or on those who wanted to get a rise out of me (indeed, it only made things worse). It’s a lie, plain and simple, and the worst kind because kids believe it and then wonder why they still hurt (I’m betting adults do, too). Words hurt. They hurt like hell. The occasional physical bruise will heal after a few days. Words, on the other hand, create the deep, invisible, soul-level bruises that last (as does deep, long-term physical abuse). It turns out there’s an amended version of that horrid little platitude that does actually speak the truth: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will break my heart.”
So what do we do about this epidemic? And make no mistake, bullying is a social disease, and it’s spreading like wildfire. We could spend days wondering where it comes from. Reality TV? Broken homes? Parental laxity? Radio shock jocks and our divisive politics? Maybe. I am not a sociologist or psychologist, and I will leave that sort of analysis to them. Here’s what I do know, though:
Shame begets shame. Read Brené Brown’s books, I Thought It Was Just Me and The Gifts of Imperfection (and soon, Daring Greatly). Watch her TED talks. Learn to spot shame in yourself and others, and how to deal with it. Do this especially if you have children; the more we can teach our children to handle shame well, the healthier we will be as a society. We all have shame, whether we want to admit it or not, and a lot of the insensitive, thoughtless, irrational things we do are the direct result of someone activating one of our shame triggers. When we learn to identify those and start to deal with them, we can finally heal.
If that’s not enough, it should go without saying that hate begets hate. Here’s a question for you: did the internet make us all more hateful, or has it only allowed us to feel anonymous when we let the hate that was already there out? I ask because this phenomenon is everywhere; just a few days ago I was horrified by the comments I read on CNN’s article about Rodney King’s death (check them out at your own peril). Today, I read New York Times tech reporter David Pogue’s column about the baseless hate mail he receives after reviewing a new electronic device (these comments are actually worth a look). It’s a phone, or a TV talk show, or another driver—none of which are life-and-death situations, and none are worth that much aggravation—that sets us off. It’s time to take a look in the mirror and ask just what’s happening here, and how it’s affecting not only us but also our neighbors, our colleagues, and our kids.
Then there are the things we tell ourselves about bullying so that we can believe it’s someone else’s problem. “Boys will be boys” is as much a lie as “ignore it and it’ll go away.” It’s time to stop making excuses or putting the burden on the victim. We need, as a culture, to come together and stand up and say that we will not accept this behavior anymore. We need to demand that our teachers insist that their classrooms are bully-free zones; one of the things I am most proud of from my teaching tenure is that I refused to allow anything that bore even the smallest hint of bullying in my room, and made it extremely clear. Brené Brown tells us that it’s easy to tell which teachers were bullied and which weren’t, because the ones who were won’t put up with it, and the ones who weren’t brush it off as part of childhood. That distinction needs to go away.
As much as we need to say “no” in the classroom, we also need to say it in the boardroom and the living room, and perhaps most of all in our state houses. Our children mirror our society to us; they don’t learn these things in a vacuum. Parents who bully their kids, their spouses, or their friends set a very clear example. Bosses who bully their subordinates create a culture of fear that can be even more damaging than a schoolyard bully, as adult victims’ livelihoods are at stake. (Karen Klein reportedly makes about $15K/year. What happens if she makes a fuss? Does she lose what little income she has? Fear is a powerful, powerful way of oppressing victims.) Allowing bad behavior in the office or at home is no less toxic than allowing it in our schools. And there’s no small irony in the fact that my adopted home state, New Jersey, has the strongest anti-bullying legislation in the country, and that it was signed into law by Chris Christie, a man who is revered by many for being the loudest, most obnoxious bully on the national stage. Do as I say, not as I do, indeed.
But most of all, we need to come together on this issue as a society. We need to decide that we value each other more than we value our political views, right of way on the road, or the sanctity of our perfect lawns. We need to decide that it’s time to really connect with each other, not wave halfheartedly to neighbors whose names we can’t even remember. It needs to be a national priority, not just for legislators and teachers but for everyone. It’s a matter of civility and living up to the ideals we tell ourselves we stand for. It’s a matter of compassion and empathy in a world that often seems to think we’re better off with neither.
I’m here to tell you that we’re not better off. Karen Klein didn’t ask to show you that we’re not, but she has. It’s great to be outraged, but it is time to take that outrage and funnel it into action. It’s time for us not only to decide what our priorities are, but to follow through. Passing anti-bullying legislation is a good start, but it’s not enough; we have to be the change we wish to see in the world.
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Well said, Nancy. About bullying online… I do believe that it makes it easier because the bully can remain anonymous. I’ve been targeted online by faceless ‘haters’/bullies myself, so I know this to be true. Like you, I was bullied as a child and completely agree that the problem doesn’t go away if we ignore it. That is why I always take action on behalf of the victim as soon as I detect a case of bullying. I can’t help myself – there’s NO WAY I’ll quitely stand by and watch. To me, the real problem is the latter. Way too many people remain passive, thereby signalling to the bullies that what they do is somehow OK. It isn’t.
Lisa Frideborg Lloyd recently posted..Midsummer Flower Divination for a Future Lover
Thanks, Lisa,
I don’t think there is such a thing as online bullying. I think bullying is bullying, full stop. My question is whether the false anonymity of the online environment, and the ability to say any hateful thing you want while you’re in that environment, carries over into everyday life. I have to think that it does, and that the folks who commented on, for instance, the Rodney King article can’t say things like that in an online environment without it seeping into their offline lives. I think road rage probably works the same way (though again, I’m not a psychologist or sociologist, so this is just speculation on my part).
I’ve always been on the side of the underdog, probably because I’ve been the underdog so many times. Like you, I will absolutely not stand by and watch kids bully each other. I will not allow it. Standing by and watching is sort of like that pre-WWII doctrine of appeasement, and we all know how well that worked out for everyone. If Karen Klein had not listened to the “Ignore it and it’ll go away” lie, she might’ve been able to put those kids in their place before it went anywhere near as far as it did (though I don’t fault her for believing that lie—it’s so pervasive and she may not have seen another option).
Hear, hear! Awesome, Nancy.
Thanks, Barb (and thanks for stopping by)!
Hi Nancy, I’m sorry that you had to go through that when you were younger….my god I just can’t even imagine how someone can bully another….it broke my heart too when I saw the video on Klein….it is awful that something like that goes viral, but it does also seem to be doing some good in that it seems to be raising more awareness (although they’ll be those who share with not such intent) we’ll see if anything goes on with those kids who were the bullies (I just read that they sent her apology letters)…….but with this website for Karen that that one guy, I think his name is Max?, put up on the internet, hopefully Klein won’t have to work at that place anymore………and I also just read all the donations are tax free – you can ck it out here: http://www.indiegogo.com/loveforkarenhklein?c=activity
thx for sharing………..
gina rafkind recently posted..Notes on Healing Emotions When Kicking The Sugar Habit ~ Part 1
Hi, Gina!
One of the scary things about being bullied is that it teaches you how to bully. In fact, you may even end up being an expert, because, from your own personal experience, you know what to say to do the most damage. It’s terrifying to have gone through the hell of being the victim and then, years later, say something that, as soon as it leaves your mouth, you realize is just the sort of thing that made you feel awful. You feel your blood curdle with shame when that happens (and yes, I’ve done it a few times and been horrified by each). That’s why I wonder about those kids–what’s happened to them that made them pick on her? Or was it just one or two who decided to go after her and the rest followed?
It’s definitely good that the video is getting the attention it’s getting, though I’ve seen comments lambasting her for “not doing her job,” which are disheartening. None of us were on that bus. We don’t know exactly what happened—and we don’t know if she couldn’t speak up for fear of losing her job (I’ll bet no one foresaw this situation and laid out rules for it) or being sued or if she just believed that if you ignore it, it’ll go away. That anyone is rushing to that sort of judgment here doesn’t make me feel a lot better about humanity. The fact that the fundraising campaign you’ve linked to has raised almost $600K for her in a day or two, on the other hand…that restores at least some of my faith!
Just lost a nice, long, pithy comment (sigh) … so I’ll just say, Great Post! Thanks for bringing this topic forward in such a clear way.
Oh, Maggie, I hate it when that happens! Sorry the internet gremlins got to you.
Well said Nancy!
Bullying comes in many forms and wears many faces. It can be overt and obvious or it can be cloaked (sometimes over and over again) in the “best of intentions.” It breaks your heart and your spirit, and leaves you wondering just why you bother trying.
It is the cloaked bullying that scares me the most. It is the back-handed compliment. It’s the subtle comment that only you and the bully understand. It’s the dagger in your side that happens so fast that no one notices anything until you drop to the floor.
Those of us who have been there are never without the scars. Thank God for true friends who always have your back and are there to acknowledge that your pain is real and that being bullied is NEVER the victim’s fault.
Rachel, you have so hit the nail on the head. “The best of intentions” can be so insidious–it’s so hard to tell if someone genuinely doesn’t understand how hurtful they’ve been, or if they’re just hiding behind that excuse.
And the cloaked bullying, as you call it (great name!) is so dangerous. It’s the sort of thing you know was brutal but can’t convince anyone else because they don’t have the backstory or the cultural underpinnings or whatever is necessary to see it. It’s the sort of thing that can make you doubt your sanity, which makes the bully even more effective.
I wonder how my elementary years (and those since) would have been different if I’d had friends who had my back. Those six years were so lonely and left such huge scars. I’m awfully glad I have them now, though.
Wonderful insights and sharing, Nancy. I’m so sorry for your anguish as a child and residual pain now. Your courage and compassion were obviously nurtured by having to find strength from the inside out. My personal and professional walks are all about restoring voice, too. While I wasn’t bullied (I was invisible, which has its own consequences), my brothers and mother were targets both inside and outside our home. I watched a teacher break my older brother’s spirit and spiral his life in a destructive direction when he was in 6th grade. My first awareness of self-empowering the marginalized was in 3rd grade summer school, befriending a lonely Spanish girl (whom I would discover at our 20th high school reunion had been being abused by her uncle). I always protected the kids others picked on and would verbally oppose writing “CP” (Cootie Protection) on my hand to be “included” (excluding the “Cootie”). Stupid stuff that kids pick up from being on the receiving end themselves, if not witnessing another person’s victimization. My grandson (3) has long been the target with key family members and is beginning to shift roles (tired of victim). Your voice is beautiful and clear and very much needed in our world. It was with gratitude that I read your post. It very much belongs here. I would have had your back, sweet one.
Hi, Sue!
Thank you so much for your comment. I’ve grown into the kind of person that you were in third grade, and beyond. I think that being bullied makes you naturally more compassionate to others who are being bullied. Of course, there are probably exceptions to that rule, but it’s been my experience. I was definitely the Cootie.
It’s always good to know that someone has your back.
Hi Nancy
Ah yes – bullying is not just for children and I think that modern culture is riddled with adults bullying adults but it is never named so. The Dark Nights of The Soul I have been through basically involved adult forms of bullying. It is very isolating as an adult, because not many people acknowledge that adults are bullies to.
Thanks for writing this xx
Taexalia recently posted..Bellflower Purple Surfboard Pendant
Ah, Taexalia, you speak the truth. Bullying happens to everyone—and anyone can do it. I’ve seen teachers, bosses (a lot of bosses), policemen, fathers, mothers, grandparents, music/art directors…there is no gate to bullying. And that might be the saddest thing about it. As you say, we don’t acknowledge adult bullying so readily because we assume these people are “grown-ups.” But there are a lot of adults walking around out there who are children in disguise.