My second RAD self-defense class was Monday (click here to read about what RAD is, and the surprising lesson I learned in the first class). We reviewed the things we learned last week and went through quite a few new moves.
I want to pick up where I left off last week and expand a little on the idea of our voices as weapons, because one of our instructors made a comment that has really stuck with me. After we practiced some moves against instructors with pads (which, I gotta tell you, feels incredibly satisfying), one of my classmates said, “Wow, my hand really hurts.” I nodded, because mine did, too, and an instructor said, “You know, the thing with any of this is that if you’re going to be punching or kicking someone, odds are good that you’re going to get hurt, too.”
Of course, the idea is to minimize the pain, and have it be the result of your own proactive choices. Ending up assaulted, raped, or—heaven forbid—murdered is a whole lot worse than ending up with a sore hand or some bruises that left you able to get away to safety. Choosing to defend yourself is an act of power and strength, and if it happens to come with pain, well…I don’t know about you, but I’ll bet that while I was nursing those hypothetical bruises, I’d be damn proud of myself for having the guts and the knowledge to fight back and get myself the heck out of there.
We don’t defend ourselves verbally because we’re afraid we’ll get hurt if we do. I know I’m guilty of saying, “I’d really love to tell so-and-so to stop talking to me like that, but it’s not worth the effort because it’ll only make it worse.” In a physical self-defense context, that’s crazy talk, right on its face (though I have a feeling that many victims of violence make the mistake of going along for that very reason). But we adopt this position all the time in our personal relationships because we think it’s safer to keep letting someone beat up on us emotionally than it is to stand up for ourselves.
We may know that living/working/interacting with a particular person is really unhealthy for us, and we may even be able to articulate what the specific problem is, but because that issue does not present itself as something we recognize as life-threatening, we write it off as something that’s to be endured, and may even decide we’re just being ridiculous/silly/wimpy about it. (I would bet that the internal debate about wimpiness is much more common among women than men, though that’s only my supposition.) Would any of us say the same thing about an assailant with a knife? I certainly hope not, but verbal and emotional attacks do us just as much harm as the physical kind. The only difference is that it’s harder to see the wounds and the scars they leave.
So I wonder: Are we making excuses for ourselves? Or are we merely products of a culture that teaches us not to fight back, not to make a fuss or a big deal? Last week I talked about how a good loud shout will draw attention from others nearby and may be enough to scare an attacker away. How many people assault us verbally and emotionally every day only because we never say a single thing to stop them? Our silence is an implicit consent, whether we want to view it that way or not. And a lot of people probably don’t have any idea how much their behavior upsets us because we’re so afraid to get hurt that we don’t say anything. Speaking up just once will stop an unintentional bully right in his or her tracks, and while it may be uncomfortable for a few minutes, it ultimately improves the relationship. It’s a bit like ripping off that bandage, or being careful around thorns so you can enjoy the rose.
I want to close by being very clear on an important point: it’s one thing to know that all these things are true and that setting boundaries is a good idea even if it scares us, but it’s another to put it into practice. I struggle with boundaries as much as anyone else does, so I don’t want to leave you with the impression that this is easy for any of us, especially me. It’s not. Some people come to it more naturally than others, but a lot of us wrestle with the idea of putting ourselves out there to get hurt, even if it hurts less than it would if we let things go. If that’s you, please know that you’re not alone. A lot of us are wrestling right along with you, and we’re all hoping to find the courage to do what we know is best for us.
Please feel free to share your experiences with boundaries, and the fears around them, below–especially if you’ve been able to get past those fears and move to a place where this process is more natural to you. I know there are a lot of people who would benefit from your story!
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It’s wonderful to see that you are creating new boundaries and finding your voice through your training. The Martial Arts and Yoga helped me find my truth. I have never looked back!
Shann recently posted..Are You Trapped on the Runaway Train of Your Life?
Thanks, Shann! I had always heard that self-defense training tends to increase confidence, but I didn’t expect it to bleed out of the purely physical realm the way it has. The instructor’s comment about how it’s tough to defend against an attack without getting hurt really struck a chord with me. (And it’s funny–I’ve never done martial arts but I have wondered from time to time, if this class is an unusual martial art itself!)
This is such a good post – you are so right, we expect to get hurt defending ourselves from physical attack…and it is perfectly acceptable. But then we don’t want to get hurt by words…interesting! I am quite good at setting boundaries, simply because I find it hard to keep my emotions off my face, so if you’ve upset or annoyed me, chances are you will know. I’m also quite sarcastic, and a well placed sarky comment can stop verbal bullies in their tracks.
I’d also like to share what one of my friends said once when someone was being mean to her “that’s a mean thing to say”. That was it – she didn’t ask them to stop or shout or be sarcastic or scowl, she just told them it was a mean thing to say…and it was far more effective (and I suspect longer lasting) than my boundary keeping is.
x
Donnaonthebeach recently posted..July Daily Practice: 10 Minutes of Yoga
Hi, Donna!
I posted about bullying several weeks ago, and one of the things I pointed out in that post was how “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will break my heart.” I think most of us fear rejection more than we fear being attacked on the street. For one, emotional rejection happens a whole lot more often.
I really like your friend’s tactic. It reminds me of an old Martha Beck column in Oprah’s magazine, where she suggests something similar. I’d completely forgotten it until your comment, but I’m going to make a stronger effort to remember both!
I really am not sure that I can put into words how much I love this post. It really really hit home as boundaries is one of the things that I struggle with the most as far as my personal inner-work, it’s so difficult for me to do. This really resonate with me, thank you.
Dominee recently posted..A Blessing Manifesting Summer Contest!
Yup–they’re tough for me, too. I think that’s why that comment hit me like it did. It was a little piece of unexpected illumination into why it’s so tough for me to set boundaries. I’m so glad it speaks to you, too!
Hi, Nancy! I enjoyed reading your post about taking RAD self-defense classes. The first time I took the course was when I started community college back in the early 90s. I was surprised that so much stuff bubbled to the surface when I completed some of the exercises. Talk about inner excavation! It was certainly an eye-opening experience for me. I’m so glad I did it.
As for boundaries in general, I have learned two ways of handling things: 1) I borrow an idea someone gave to Oprah, which is if you are asked to do something you don’t want to do, rather than offer explanation for why, just say, “This doesn’t work for me.” End of story. 2) If someone is encroaching on my physical space (like Seinfeld’s close talker, lol), then I back up, put my arms straight out, and say something like, “Sorry, as a public school teacher, I learned that I think best when given an arm’s length of distance. {insert laugh here depending on how shocked the person looks} Thanks!”
I suppose if that line didn’t work, I’d have to break out some RAD moves
Cheers,
Christine
Christine recently posted..Why memoirs are so popular
Hi, Christine! Thanks for stopping by!
I’m so excited to have another RAD grad (okay, I’m not a grad yet, but I will be in a week!) here! I’m very glad that I finally got to take the course, too. It’s a wonderful experience if a little intimidating from time to time.
I like the Oprah idea! A friend of mind always reminds of of the wise words of Mary Poppins, which seem similar: “I never explain anything.” I wouldn’t use that in conversation, but it’s a good mantra. And I admit, your teacher tactic cracks me up. I’ll have to keep that one in mind.